And this is the point I resorted to Dark And Darker Gold press shots, because this game is just that painful. Sorry. Lara Croft versus biblical horror and chasing a serial killer in a race against time for magic paintings. That works. Murdering a guy in cold blood might be an odd way to start proving my innocence.

The basic premise of is ultimately OK, though—the artefacts of the day being a series of paintings that some psycho wants to use to awaken an ancient race called the Nephilim. Think fallen angels, since that's the usual pop-culture version of the Biblical myth.

I do query his plan to do so by raising one called "The Sleeper", since I personally wouldn't trust anyone who'd earned that nickname not to respond to the call of evil with "Just another five minutes..." but whatever. 
Speaking of hellish creatures of torment though, let's look at those controls. How could something as simple as a platformer be screwed up? In absolutely every way possible, that's how.

If you play with a controller, you deserve sympathy. If you play with keyboard, I think the creators should be forced by law to send an apology note. Many 3D games of this era used 'tank' controls. In Tomb Raider, a tank would arguably be more agile and capable.

It took about four days to get past the tutorial area, not because there's anything complicated in it, but because Amazon couldn't replace the smashed peripherals any faster. It's across the street, after a big jump there to test your ability to leap move and grab.

Nudging the scenery completely knocks the wind out of Lara's sails, pressing backwards brings her to a full stop before she can start the steps. If you want to simulate the experience, fill your keyboard with sick and then smack yourself hard in the face with it, you fool.

It gets worse, though. Almost immediately, you're sent into a derelict building with a padlocked wardrobe—obviously there to cheap Dark And Darker Gold test the inventory system, right? Half right. Actually, the crowbar you need isn't in the room.